Bad spearing buddies - Guest post by Noob Spearo Podcasts ‘Shrek’

Jeepers mate, this is a bit harsh. 

Yeah it is but I can say I’ve been at least five of these dickheads in that past, so I think that makes me a dickhead authority. “Takes one to know one” and all that. 

Anyway have a read, tag your mates that you recognise in these characters and be honest. Which of these dickhead types have you been?

Piss Poor Planner -“Mate where are the bungs?”

Everyone does it once, maybe even twice but forgetting crucial spearfishing equipment every bloody dive is simply unforgivable. Give yourself an uppercut and make a friggin dive day checklist. Put the list in your dive gear shed and use it the night before every diveday! 

The Alpha Dick - “We don't dive less than 20m(60ft) mate, that's for noobs”

This bloke forgot what it was like when he started out spearfishing and now he dives purely for his gigantic ego. You know the one. 

He deliberately underestimates the weights of his fish, he often pretends like he’s not stoked when he shoots a nice fish and if he doesn't shoot something cool then look out, there will be hell to pay. 

Get over yourself - it's spearfishing, not brain surgery. We're not saving lives here. If you're not having fun then start playing golf or some other shit sport;) 

The Sook -“Aw but my weightbelt’s not comfortable”

There is always some complaint from this guy. His bottom lip becomes three times the size of his top lip if he suffers the most minor of problems. 

You know the one “you got blood on my divebag” or “hey that's my sunscreen”

While typically spearos will be missing a limb before they report any complaints to their mates, there are the odd ones who want glamour diving for 95 minutes and then“ooh pack up boysss, I’ve got to get home for the Kardashians”. Get real.

The ‘Berserker’ - kills everything and cant stop “mate I’ve only shot 5…”

When this character gets the blood lust, look out fish because this guy is Rambo and he’s filming 37th Blood.

The Overpacker

Three spearguns, a huge divebag and a backpack for a one day dive trip. Nah sorry the 32ft Cats are in short supply. You've got 4 blokes sharing 5 meters of boat (16ft), come on mate! One divebag per person and two spearguns max unless it’s an extended trip. 

The Lone Wolf  

This fella doesn't even bother with good intentions. As soon as he hits the water it's every man for himself. The problem is everyone misses out and people die. Not even funny this one > sorry:(

The Insta-Trout Pouter

Do you need a photo with every fish, every hour? 

When a spearfishing trip resembles a Men’s Health Magazine photoshoot more than a spearfishing trip, it's time to take a self imposed social media ban. It should help.

The Snake aka ‘fish thief’

Glancing down as you steadily kick along you notice the telltale silhouette of a big juicy Cod. “Wwwwhhhhhhh” the sound of your final exhale hasn't even left your snorkel when you see...wait a minute, WTF? ...

...a drongo powering it down through the water on a 45 degree angle to steal the Cod that is directly beneath you. ‘K Dounk’ is the sound of the shaft thunking into a rock easily a foot from the Cod. 

The Cod looks up with contempt. First at the Snake, then briefly at you on the surface before he turns slowly, drops a ‘breakfast’ cloud from his exit hatch and fins off into the blue. 

The Tangler 

This bloke cant seem to dive without breaking something. Often it's tangled riglines for the bloody 17th time today. Unfortunately though you’ll just have to put up with me;)

Grandfather Shreks Advice to each of you dickheads (and myself x5+)

• 5P = Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance. Get that dive day checklist and get everything packed the day before. 
• To the Alpha Dick, pretend that the people on the boat are your family, your close family and they are not as experienced as you. Be patient and look after them. 
• To the Berserker, honestly you need some self awareness and mates that will tell you to calm down and be reasonable. I've got a mate like this, I love him but give him a speargun and someone's got to babysit. 
• To the Overpacker. You are possibly ex-military and over-planning is in your DNA. My respectful civilian advice is torelax. You can't prepare for every eventuality and if it's not your boat then it's out of your control anyway. 
• To the Lone Wolf. You need to hear a real life story of someone blacking out and dying, so you can think about the real risks, then adopt a workable system to make this buddy stuff stick. Here one: The diver leads, the buddy follows. Then you swap. When it's your buddies turn to dive you follow - period. 
• To the Snakes. You need a constant stream of embarrassment from your mates, not full on public shame just consistent reminders of THAT TIME you snaked them. 
• To the Tangler. Slow down buddy. The fish are not going anywhere. You’ll have more fun if you go slow and think through what's happening around you.

After writing this I realized I’ve been guilty of at least 5 of these. What about you?